Goodbye?

I didn’t die, didn’t do any damage. This is shit, I can’t even die properly.

Think my anti-depressants are making me worse.

Scared

Don’t have anything to say about today. I was told to stop being such a moody bastard. I was not amused.
Gonna break daddy’s heart and mom’s too. Its the worst thing I could do but I can’t help how I feel. I can’t cope with all this pressure. I just can’t do it.

But yeahh, I guess I have to start saying goodbyes and stuff now. Don’t know what will happen tomorrow but I’ll guess you’ll find out soon

So yesterday was pretty great tbh, went out with my mates, had a good day.

It started off pretty shit, I woke up crabby, then had to fold newspapers for an hour and a half, then had to deliver them. My mood got worse from then.

But I went out with my best friend and she made my day. We didn’t do much but she still managed to make it fun.
And then, I bought the dankest shoes ever, and I think I would marry them if I could!

Is that normal? Ah fuck it, it made me happy so I don’t care.

Counsellors tried to wake me up again his morning -_- But fuck them I put my phone on silent!

Went to see a psychiatrist today. Had to answer the same questions all over again and it didn’t help, like the other 3 times I’ve had to do it. Wondering when this is actually gonna start helping…

Got another appointment with this women next week, its sad that I’m probably gonna miss it, she was a pretty nice woman. Told me I’m probably getting put on anti-depressants as of next week. 

Mom + Dad aren’t pleased.

I went home after my appointment and got moaned at by mother about it. Started talking to my dad about me like I’m not in the room. Then started saying to me, “I wanted to ask the doctor if you’re gonna hurt yourself”. I had to stop myself from laughing and saying, “bitch, I’m gonna be dead in a few days, fuck off.”

It’s mean but hey! Caring less and less now

So they took me to see battleship to cheer me up, having a good night so far just hope it lasts…

FUCKING COUNSELLORS WOKE ME UP THIS MORNING -_-

so not only are they not helping, they fucking like to wake me up too
sdlgsdjlfgsjhf

But yeahh, being sent to a loony bin (apparently this is offensive so no offence meant) tomorrow to be assessed again. Should be great. If counselling is supposed to make things better, why is it making me feel worse about it?

I hate that my parents know, they’re treating me like a baby, constantly checking on me. When I’m at home, I want to be able to pretend that everything is okay, even if it isn’t. I just hate this so much.

Hospital boy made me lie to his girl today, I owed him I suppose, for looking after me when I had nowhere to go. I had to tell someone, so I’m writing it here, that way, when I go, the truth will be out and I won’t have to worry about it anymore…
Lying to her, went against pretty much any moral I’ve ever had. It makes me feel sick to the stomach that she’s apologising to him for the ‘false’ accusations. I hate this. I fucking hate this.

I just can’t wait for all of this to be over tbh.
1 more day… 

thoughts

counselling never helps, makes you feel worse about yourself. they look at you with sympathetic eyes, trying to trick you into believing they’re actually doing any good. i have so many people asking me whether i’m having suicidal thoughts and if i’m okay and it just makes me angry.

i don’t want to go to my appointment tomorrow, its just gonna make me feel worse, cry for another hour. more to fuck my head up with.

Woke up this morning at 4:30 AM, and then spent the next hour trying to go back to sleep.

My dad woke me up again at 8 telling me to phone the doctors to book an appointment, I ignored him and went back to sleep.

My mom woke me up at 9 shouting at me for not booking the appointment

SO TIRED.

but yeahh, went to the doctors and  told him about everything,
so I now have a councillor that looks like ‘H’ from steps 

talking about it today didn’t help,

one thing I know for definite though, I have to say goodbye or I’m the most selfish bitch around….

feel  a bit sick.